


Bucky Gets a Lizard

by CaptainSteeb



Series: Steve and Bucky Try To Function [7]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Bucky Barnes and the 21st Century, Domestic Avengers, Domestic Fluff, Humor, Lighthearted, M/M, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Pets, Steve Rogers and the 21st Century
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:07:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24957355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainSteeb/pseuds/CaptainSteeb
Summary: Bucky pointed at a funny looking lizard with big eyes and spotted yellow skin. “I’ve been reading up on pets and I think a lizard would be real good. My shrink says it'll help me with my trauma.”Steve rolled his eyes. “What are you gonna do with it, take it out on walks? Play fetch?”“No, smartass, that’s the whole point.”
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Series: Steve and Bucky Try To Function [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1765621
Comments: 18
Kudos: 272





	Bucky Gets a Lizard

**Author's Note:**

> Rated for language.

Bucky hadn’t always had an affinity for shopping, Steve pondered as he was dragged out of yet another “Novelty Clothing” store. Back in their day, they’d been more worried about paying rent to have time to putz around in shops. But recently, after Bucky had seen the amount of backpay the government had grovelingly handed over to the longest-serving POW in history, he had decided to splurge a bit. They had been going from store to store, mall to mall for the better part of three weeks.

Steve hated it.

“Can’t we go get ice cream or something?” Steve complained, dragging his feet behind Bucky as they walked past a lingerie shop. “There’s a food court. I’m starving, Buck, you’re gonna kill me.”

“You’re fine, you big lug. We just ate an hour ago.” Bucky stopped to squint thoughtfully at a white bra and panty set that was lewdly displayed on a mannequin. “You think you’d wear that for me, sugar?”

“ _Hell_ no,” Steve said with a scowl, face heating up as he thought about how the lace would feel against his skin.

“Aww, c’mon doll,” Bucky smirked over at him, steel blue eyes dark under the brim of his Mets cap. He’d foregone shaving today and had a good bit of stubble going on, his hair pulled back into a sloppy ponytail. Steve would never admit that it was one of his favorite looks.

“I’m not wearing that,” Steve snapped, crossing his arms. “Forget about it.”

“Alright, baby, we can come back around to the idea another time,” Bucky smirked, leading the way down the row of shops. They had almost completed their circuit around the mall when they passed a large store called “Lee’s Luxury Pet Supplies.” Bucky paused by the window and pondered a display of Avengers-themed dog toys and leashes.

“I’m not wearing a collar, either,” Steve clarified, because he’d do a lot for Bucky—hell, he’d die for him—but he wasn’t going to start crawling around and barking like a dog.

“I ain’t gettin’ you a collar, dumbass. What are you, one of those furries or something?”

Bucky had seen a mini-documentary about the furry fandom a couple of weeks back and had been so utterly baffled that he’d managed to weave it into every conversation.

Steve puffed up, face growing red again. “I’m not a fucking furry,” he snapped, then looked around to make sure he hadn’t been filmed. He saw a gaggle of teenage girls some feetaway but they looked otherwise occupied; he figured they hadn’t overheard. “I think Bruce might be one, though,” he added quietly.

“Oh, definitely.” Bucky pointed at a squeak toy, a big rubber ball shaped like Iron Man’s head. “Anyway. I want to get that.”

“It’s ugly. What for?”

“I wanna throw it at Stark.”

Steve sighed. Ever since Bucky had come to live at the Tower a year ago, he and Tony had been caught up in a pissing contest the likes of which the world had never seen. And it didn’t help that Bucky always had his hands all over Steve: Steve was fairly certain Tony had a crush on him, even though he was married to Pepper. He made way too many remarks about Steve’s ass, even calling him “Captain Peach Buns” last week.

Steve decided that maybe Tony _could_ use a big rubber Iron Man ball thrown at him. “Alright. I get to watch you throw it at him, though.”

“Deal.”

They entered the store and made their way through the aisles to get to the “Avengers Assemble!” display. There were a few other people examining the merchandise, but fortunately no one seemed to recognize them. A baseball cap and a pair of glasses really did the trick, Steve thought proudly. Natasha always made fun of him but his technique worked!

“Oh, _wow_.”

Steve put down a plush version of Thor’s hammer and looked over at his husband warily. He knew that tone, had known it since they were three and Bucky had convinced him to stick a beetle up his nose. “What?” he asked, hesitant, but Bucky had already shot off toward another aisle, leaving Steve to trail after him. Steve scrunched his face up and approached Bucky, who was standing before a wall of glass containers with wide eyes.

“Bucky, no.”

“Stevie, _look_.”

Lizards. Well, not just lizards, Steve saw with a shudder: Snakes, turtles, and…

“ _No!_ ” Steve exclaimed when Bucky pointed at one of the boxes with a tarantula inside. “Bucky, no. I’ll divorce you.”

“Oh stop it, you big pansy,” Bucky scoffed.

“You ain’t gettin’ no big fuckin’ spider!” Steve usually tried to keep his “1940’s Brooklyn” under control in public, but he couldn’t in the face of this hellspawn. “That ain’t a fuckin’ pet!”

Bucky volleyed back, both of them slipping into their ten year old selves without missing a beat. “I never said I was gettin’ one, you mook!”

“Well then get your hand away from it!”

“It’s behind glass!” Bucky reached out and gave a few knocks against Steve’s forehead. “Kinda like your big dumb brain.”

“That don’t make any sense,” Steve grumped, but felt himself calming down a bit. “I don’t like spiders, Buck.”

“You think I don’t remember what happened when one crawled on your hand in France? You gave away our position to the Krauts.” Bucky flicked Steve’s nose before turning back to the creatures. “Anyway, I never said I’m getting a spider. I want a lizard.”

Steve reached out and pinched Bucky’s side in retaliation for the flick. “A lizard,” he repeated.

“Yeah.” Bucky pointed at a funny looking lizard with big eyes and spotted yellow skin. “I’ve been reading up on pets and I think a lizard would be real good. My shrink says it'll help me with my trauma.”

Steve rolled his eyes. “What are you gonna do with it, take it out on walks? Play fetch?”

“No, _smartass_ , that’s the whole point.” Bucky peered at a few of the different lizards before he zeroed in on a little gray one with rough-looking skin. It was perched up on a log, close to the heating lamp in its tank, head cocked to the side with one eye focused on Bucky.

“It’s creepy,” Steve decided. “I don’t like it.”

“Stop it. Don’t get all judgmental yet,” Bucky said. “See? Bearded dragon. I’m gettin’ the dragon, Stevie.”

“Tony won’t let you have it in the tower.”

“Tony lets Thor keep that big fuckin’ anaconda-alien thing in the rooftop pool,” Bucky volleyed back with a snort. “He ain’t gonna care about Steve.”

The hell? Steve frowned, confused. Was Bucky having some kind of lapse? “What? I’m right here Buck.”

“Yeah.”

“Well, how come you said my name?”

“I ain’t talking about you.”

Steve blinked a few times before he put it together. Drawing up to his full height, he crossed his arms and may have stomped a foot, but would deny it later. “You can’t name it after me!”

“Can too.” And with that, Bucky wandered off down another aisle to grab an employee and begin pointing at different things, like a large tank and some decor and some crickets. Steve dragged himself behind them and tried not to freak out too much at the idea of feeding live crickets to a lizard.

Bucky made all of the arrangements for their shopping lackey— a big, silent guy named Olly whom Tony had hired to transport all of their purchases to the tower— to pick up the items, he paid for everything and smugly led Steve out of the store. Little Steve was in a clear plastic container, wrapped firmly in Bucky’s arms as they exited the mall and walked back out to their car.

“It ain’t even a _boy,_ ” Steve grumped, slamming the passenger door closed and slouching down in his seat. When Bucky had indicated which lizard he had wanted, the employee had informed them that the lizard was indeed female. Bucky had shrugged and smiled widely.

“Don’t matter. Her name is Steve.” Bucky climbed into the drivers side and leaned over to place the container onto Steve’s lap. “Hold onto her.”

Steve looked down at the container and made eye contact with the lizard. It peered into his soul. “I don’t like her,” he said decisively, putting a finger up against the plastic. “Did you get her the little plastic bonsai tree?”

“Yeah.” Bucky got the car started—some fancy yellow sports car Tony had foisted upon them— and put it in gear, tearing out of the parking lot.

The lizard scurried over and stared at Steve’s finger curiously, her head cocked to the side. “And you got her—you got her the rock shaped like a dinosaur?” Steve asked.

Bucky had a shit-eating grin on his face. “Yep.”

“Okay. Well,” Steve tapped the glass very lightly and gasped when she darted her tongue out at his finger. “Well, you should teach me how to feed her. You know, just in case you’re gone or something. And maybe—Maybe I should hold her, too, sometimes. Just so she can get used to me.”

“Sounds like a good plan, pal.”

“Fine.” Steve sniffed. “I still don’t like her.”

Bucky’s smile grew. “Sure thing.”

###

Later that week, as Steve snuck Little Steve out of her tank so he could hold her for a bit, he heard Bucky give a bark of laughter from the other room. Tensing up, he hunched over the lizard and called out, “What’s so funny, wise-ass?”

Bucky’s voice was positively gleeful. “Oh, Stevie. You remember last week at the mall in Jersey?”

“Yeah, what of it?”

“You remember when you got all puffed up at me and said you’re _not a fucking furry_?”

Bucky was so annoying sometimes. “Yeah, so what?” Steve asked.

“Well, some kid got you on video.”

_Oh no._

Bucky could barely get out his next words, laughter bubbling up. “Hashtag _FurryCap_ is trending number one worldwide right now!”

Steve looked down at the lizard and gave a great sigh.

He hated shopping.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and Kudos are appreciated! I’m always down to read ideas and prompts.
> 
> Also: If you're thinking of getting a lizard/snake/whatever, getting one from a reputable breeder is better than buying one from a pet shop. Bucky and Steve just get one from a shop for the purposes of this story.


End file.
